feeling

falling in love may be one of the most stupid things you can do in your life

the more i tried to make sense of it the worst it gets

why not keep things simple?

but then, why keep things?

feeling love

under the city lights

mist, drizzle.  precipitation

messes up the windshield making it not fun and dangerous to go grocery shopping, not to mention commuting.

though it is perfect for a nice cool walk under the city lights. makes me feel alive.

the gas thank runs out quick and i feel my tank the same way. empty. hollow. without.

and though i grew up a nice guy, every once in a while i change that, cause the nice guy never gets the girl, and i want to get the girl every once in a while too.

homesick in the morning. in love on friday.

hollow still to the naked eye.

full filled to myself. cool like the drizzle under the city lights. alive like the spider on the door frame.

in love like the bull gazing at the moon in the lake. she's not really there. still love her.

wheels and tires

i look at the floor and i notice it needs cleaning. some fluid is lightly dripping down from the 13b

stop and look around, feeling the heartbreak and in front of me there it is my FC3S just standing there, cool and patient. and though it has 3 or 5 different tones of red and the paint is fading, it looks so beautiful.

so maybe it is really time to put the money and the effort and rebuild that gorgeous machine, the one I fell in love 5 years ago

running away

as she ran through the woods

had i known she was running away

uncertainty in the steps, stepping with care, hesitating

did noticed the look in her eyes were not the same

never thought "i love you" would make such a mess

"is she the love of my life...   certainly the one that i love most"    ...then i turned my gaze down and kept running, breathing, wondering

i never thought i would lost her this way. never intended to love her this way

now she's gone

once a friend said to me: "you can fall for any one, at any given time"

another friend said to me once: "you have no control, you just feel it"

now i am free

now i hold my tears, because that is what she wants

now i move on and go on, running away

i'm just a jelous guy

no one ever chose their family, it just happened.

when we go through life we encounter different people and things and we face different situations.

boyfriends and husbands always saw me as a tread i know for sure, i was clearly reminded of it. today i look at her in the eyes and she smiles back at me as i ask myself; is it possible i am falling here? is it just the thrill of challenging the rules? my own rules?

life puts every one in the right place, at the right time, and time is just a moment that goes away with every breath.

so i keep my feet on the ground as best as i can, and i live by my principles, and though this may be only meant to stay in our minds i have no intention to cut it out, just keep the idols in the altar and go to bed with your own dreams.

palabras: atracción

• Pablo Escalera

To

• lpablito@yahoo.com

en un principio me sonaba como algo animal, un instinto, algo que nace de la química, las hormonas y los sentidos

 

me detuve un poco a pensar, a tratar de encontrarle una razón o explicación, y le di tantas vueltas porque en realidad lo que quería era justificarlo. justificar mis impulsos y las razones de lo no explicado

 

y se volvió un poco claro y a la vez fuera de una lógica que pueda explicar, tal ves es que he perdido ya las palabras.

 

en un momento de debilidad me despegue de mi realidad para encontrar una sensación, una salida fácil o un escape, un atajo para liberar la opresión de la ignorancia

 

pero el texto lo explica sencillamente, es solo una historia de no historia, es solo la imaginación que vive en la mente y coquetea con el mundo real

 

y la única manera de existir es en el momento. irónicamente la existencia ocurre cuando los cuerpos se tocan, cuando los sentidos se conectan a la razón y al espíritu, todo lo demás realmente no existe no tiene cuerpo y no tiene espíritu

 

entonces me libero aunque todavía veo el fantasma del instinto con su cara y su nombre, pero incluso su cara y su nombre dejaran de existir en el recuerdo, como nunca existieron en mi realidad. o tal vez debo decir que nunca existimos en su realidad

 

entonces la atracción se convierte en un elemento que a la vez me aleja y me acerca a mi espíritu y me hace pensar que falta mucho para encontrar un camino

 

tantos años buscando mi respuesta, y todas las respuestas vienen del centro

 

y el instinto y la química de las sustancias todavía tienen un fuerte efecto al rededor, pero ahora tal vez tengo una mejor idea

 

si se o no como manejar mi realidad, esa es otra cuestión diferente

no tiene corazón

sit down on the floor and wander in my head.

sit down on the floor and see the trees, they are outside and i am not.

i want to sleep but something is stopping me from doing it and i realize i am thinking of her again, then i listen to this song: "ya no te extraño, ya estoy en paz...  ya estoy curado, o anestesiado...  ya me he olvidado. mentira"

"calavera no llora, no tiene corazón"

one idea stuck in time, and time stick to keep moving, and so it goes. though the idea does not move so easily.

and it does not hurt and there is no defeat, but culturally, humanly we seem to be set up for holding on to day dreams and thoughts, ideas and preconceptions of what we should be but who's to say what's right what's wrong. do anyone really care if i sit down on the floor to stare at trees?

it is time for lunch

the serach

the first time i was labeled as a smart-ass by those around me i was shocked, when i never saw myself that way

we are all seekers though we may not realize what we are looking for. so easy to get caught in the vices of society and civilization

why do we need to be right all the time and how easy is to shape people's minds and convictions

this is the time of the year when i look at flowers and trees in the gardens around an i too desire to have one of my own. i too am part of civilization and society

this is only my interpretation of my reasons and the search of a way where i belong

dicen de la muerte

cuando sucede todo el mundo pregunta, todos quieren saber, volver al pasado como intentando resolver cuando no hay nada que resolver

 

y sucede en cualquier momento, y sucede todo el tiempo

 

uno puede cruzar la puerta y no regresar, o simplemente estar y sentir y en el proximo instate ya no.

 

algunos tienen dias o meses para prepararlo, otros llegan a un punto y se sostienen de algun modo respirando, otros tienen un momento para ver todo pasar y en un instante se van.

 

es solo un vaso, un contenedor, la materia que rodea al alma, y toda materia se acaba, todo lo material pasa y se transforma en una manera u otra, y aun asi nos detenemos a llorar

 

no hay nada que aprender ni nada que olividar, nos va a pasar a todos, y el sentir miedo no va a cambiar el final, solo te hace mas dificil el trayecto

so they call it tax day

traffic is low, the road is not as busy and the parking lot at work is almost empty. discounts at fast food places for salty junk and almost silence at the office space, but later most will be talking about it.

 

it is somehow curious there are still things i did not notice after 6 years, or maybe i noticed the first year and then forgot about them. but the weather is warm and gasoline went down a few cents.

 

last night i decided to have a week without the influence of music on my own, to let the sounds of my world get in and create my own state of mind. i keep thinking about her on the pay day and still touch her in my dreams wondering how she could be during the tax day.

 

and maybe this is because i can blame it all on her, since i gave her it all. and thinking it was only just a game.

 

i did my taxes early so this is not a holiday; i still need to find my holiday and i think it should come soon though i have to figure out what it is what i want to look at in the sky but the answer will come, as anything does.

attire

and one day she dressed up like a doll, a fun doll. i guess i did not see what i needed to see because i was in the state of mind most every one else was. not the right place to be, not the right place.

 

last night i faced a similar scene just this time i found out i had different expectations. painted her in my mind as a sweet classy young woman and seeing her dressed up like a fun doll, it just made me wonder where was i before, and where am i these days.

 

but the environment outside of my involvement felt so densly tense it was almost difficult to breathe, and this supid mustache just bothers me, though i am going to keep it another couple weeks, even when i still don't know why i do it. still it was interesting the to find a way to step out of that state of mind. stupid if i think i was not in te conversation anyway.

 

though a frendly smile can change thigs in just an instant of a moment and i may consider Lennon's advice and jut give love a chance

spring

renewal, rebirth... all we get from the media.  the values of property...  to posses

 

and honoring the values of property is how much move into some kind of self destructive process by desire. want more valuables, more things but then if we can not get things we may focus on getting attributes, getting the attention

 

sometime earlier i was also told that is another way to steal, looking for, asking and getting the attention from people and sources we dont really need to. and so she stole my time, she stole my breathe and life

 

and anytime anywhere the answer is always the same, it is always in the same place. the only true lies within

 

so stepping within i found the lies i told myself and how she used them against me. or was it me? did i use my own lies to fool me around?

 

then when i look up i can see the part of myself that i am allowed to see, and i get the part of the turth that i can get and i can come back to myself. "walking like a one man army" and i can see i did no wrong, i made no difference, even though i still think of her i know she was never here, she was never truth

 

in the spring time of the year we fall under the promises of the big screen and pretend we are all the same, we are all in the nest like ants ant today is time to reproduce and live on, when it is always time to live on. we are far from the beginning now, there is no turning back

 

this morning i renew, this day i am born, this moment i choose. this moment i spring out