two in the morning

's been crossing my mind for long years.

short notice crush crushed into pieces when i learned she's getting married. now when i can hear her laughter far away. now that i can tell her smell from far apart.

in the animal world all the senses get filled when the moment is right and you are strong enough. can't take you eyes out of her, your heart pounds so hard when you are near, tongue and eyes get moist, the muscles tense up...

in the human world you just can't let go, and her smell keeps coming back, the sound of her voice calling your name, the bright light in her eyes when she smiles.

then all the words from the past and up high in the hierarchy swing by in front of your eyes and behind your head, in between the toes and hit so hard in the chest. to the verge of the tears. so you have to let go. just let her go.

so i face her for the last time in the place of my goddess, standing there so perfect so beautiful.

so i go out after leaving the hound to bleed wide open till almost dry, no judgements, no expectations, just my friend in an amber bottle and the sound of the speakers. out of nowhere our gazes cross and i just like the sight of you.

and when the speakers grow louder i hear the sound of her voice, and feel the touch of her skin, yet she remains so mysterious.

it feels so very strange to get in this position once again, standing between, and try to still be a gentleman when my friend has the lead. but it's just so hard to not get caught in her accent that's driving me crazy with every word she speaks.

there we stand, till two in the morning and just can't find the way to say, screw this boy, i'm falling so hard, smooth and easy. just want to hold her in my arms, when it's time to go and i can only say so long before she goes back home.

two in the morning saying good bye, hoping this conversation could last just a little longer. but she will stay for long in my mind, as i learn again to let go.

wrong

i turn the wheel and realized 've been screwing up so i step on the pedal

fear sometimes overtakes, but i'm coming back to the previous state

sheet metal works getting better and all i wanna do is drive far, and then drive fast

it's said it's in our nature to take care of our needs, to nurture the body, to fulfill the basic needs. and it sets me up for so many faces, and so many options that turn into no option when somethings going wrong and still can find what it is

so the next time i didn't brake and slide the car around the turn, but that still doesn't tell me where i've been going wrong

a new face shows and this may be it, as all the others. just need to figure out where i went wrong

shine

flashes of past come and go before my eyes, inside and out. sounds of you and sounds of me, and words from nowhere crash into the paper and the sheet burns into ashes of existence. tears and smiles, crushing heart beats and deep breaths, still no one's around.

out to the streets and i stare at the moon and the stars but they wouldn't shine as bright as her smile. and i dream of love and life.

imitation of silver and gold everywhere, everybody wants it but i don't want to care, though i have to use it too, so it's getting time to negotiate but never beg.

looking back and she may not know it, but she makes me happy just being around. my years disappear even as i look in the mirror and notice some wear to it. and she keeps shining trough the night.

face

the veil falls down and we are face to face, and she's still beautiful

funny how little things build up to the edge of the glass, and then it spills left and right, and i get so close to explode. and then out of nowhere my friend calls and those little things go through the line. so keep it coming

emotions get mixed all around, as i think of her lips setting the appointment, and i'll see her again... face to face

and the colors change

so there she goes again, trying paying games, but it's not gonna play 'cause my shoes are all worn out, for i've been walking too long.

for a moment all went to hell, dark and upside down, when i was once more on my own. happened so fast, so quick.

and i saw many angels in my heart.

one day it's hot and gets cold by night just like that, and i smell the nasty smoke but there's nothing i can do, not while i'm sitting here.

days pass by like the pages in the calendar and i can't see the change. still the shell has changed as the soul goes three steps back when i see her eyes.

felt so scared, and just the thoughts of what could have been, but i'm fine and i smile and know that those things did not happen, it was just the shell, and the shell will come back and feel the heart pumping fast, faster.

still i'm not afraid, and that gets me in trouble, time and time again. and i'm still not afraid, yet it gets me down... silly.

then i stop and gaze to the horizon as the colors change. and the shell keeps changing, don't know for how long.

disappointment

not so nice when you bring everything you can, and the other side doesn't care.

even worst when the other side does not want it but still fakes a smile.

not a big deal, i can live without it.

tough, it still hurts somehow. not real pain, not real scared, just not comfortable at all.

i was just trying to be friendly, but if you are not interested, i'm not interested either.

and now i can take care of the laundry

invite

two days, three days.

days go and papers arrive to the door. just keep smiling.

drive and once again feel out of place. though the words welcome.

found out the line is not there for me, but it is actually in me.

drive away and keep myself behind the line.

so far.

joy ride

it's all gray as it starts, there's a focus and a bit of a rush, watch the clocks, feel.

put my hands on the wheel and push pedals, shift, shift. then i look at the mirror and noticed the time flying by me.

almost three years since the last time, another place, another reason, a different color too.

i've waited before, and i remember being so restless by having to wait, when i think sometimes there's no other choice. so i go, close my eyes.

still the seats and sounds stay around for a couple of hours as they start vanishing through the splash of water and the sight of lights.

i drove this road before.

and time goes back in time, showing the places i forgot, and the voices of days gone, and i gaze into the woods. this is where i am.

the change is unstoppable as time. can go back and sometimes forward, yet it never stops.

unfamiliar faces, unfamiliar places, new experiences in the end. this one an experience shared with an old familiar friend, so close and so far away.

as the color turns blue, i turn round and round to one part of the world i never saw before, and there i enter a brand new place for me, and old rusty place for some one else. brings a simile to my face as i think of no one but myself. and a little bit of joy to the morning with no commute.

and i look to the mirrors, and i gaze into the woods, and then i'm back again. here is where i am.

belong

i stand below the little ones step so hard, and it makes me sick, as they always start at the worst time.

walking though shine and rain the water covers my gaze and for this time i get so scared, because it's not just me, but i learned before how to let go. while the sky keeps my clothes wet and cool.

that conversation was completely unexpected, when i just sat there looking all the trees go by. and why should be afraid of those signs, why would be scared of? when there's some certain, and that is that one day i'm gonna die too. i saw the needles in my hands, i felt the burning in my chest. i saw the sun fading away before.

though worry about getting a smaller space around just to seat, and lay sheets around, like their lives are being ripped apart, like the stranger are coming in, and there the need to defend the land. like life is a bigger piece in the layout. like this is all about what you see.

then i hear the cry i heard before in a different place, at a different time, from a different voice. then i recall that voice was mine, and it was long, and not too long ago.

so why should i belong somewhere, why can't i just be myself?

"Yes, I understand that every life must end"

most of us get up and wonder around. we get ready for the day and jump right into it. we take so much for granted.

the thing that make part of each others lives go flying by us. one day can go by just talking on the phone, or fighting the mouse in your computer. yet we make plans and we watch the news to get informed, for some reason we all want to know.

still some days memories swing by and if they get lucky we hook to them and if we get lucky we smile

and those things in life drive us to places sometimes unexpected, so unpredictable, so flat, so simple, so light or so bitter. we get to be the judge. and those things get us in the place we stand, and with the people we stand by. and people do those thing in life that make such part of the very being we get to be.

a single message in the phone. a simple arrangement of words. just one minute and i understood. and the feelings rush through the chest and the forehead and i know we all have to go one day.

there's people we don't see anymore but in our minds they are still there somewhere. some will really go, some will forever stay within. i held my face and cried so quiet. but i'm so glad i had the chance to have her into mi life and i believe she will always be.

words, memories, actions, all part of it, all part of the one i'm today all the things that make me proud, all the things that give me strength and make me smile, all of them important pieces of my heart.

so it's time to set up for the next day, for the next set of events that are going to become the past as soon as they get to be. another chance to smile.

head on

lights, windshields, brakes. doesn't matter if you are not watching.

can't think of a moment when you don't picture the end of the road the moment you get behind the wheel.

it may take minutes or hours, it doesn't matter either. you may or may not be prepared for whatever gets in front of you.

under the clear sky the lights lit softer. under the moon light the others look fussy, but why do you cover your viewing windows?

cross the bridge thinking my destination is right there but not every time that's absolute. nothing i believe is absolute, and sometimes i get hungry.

when the light turns red you need to stop, that would avoid the head on. anyway what's done it's done and you don't have a party going on.

for a moment my words become playful and she laughs and i want to hold her but nothing is absolute.

what were you thinking. and i forgot, until i passed by the same place and it was already clear. still i keep my eyes open to try and catch every light up. and my heart is still soft, but the shell is stiff enough.

the doors

i'm sure this one is bad, because it lets the warm air out, and i feel the chills of the word outside.

there was a time when the double doors used to be every days life into the dark dusty walls of routine and everything else. now those double doors look so hollow.

then i remember the day when a door closing could cause my the deepest frustration looking through the little square window, like it was important. it all depended on everybody's perspective. some others liked open doors better.

for the longest time i didn't care about the open door, today when the sun was up, i found one of them open and the stuff inside was broken if not gone, and all of a sudden i feel ripped and angry, and so useless, and i know i'm going to need to do something about it, which i thought i never would.

and i visit places where the doors make a sound, but still nobody looks. now it's time to lock my door.

salad

most of times it looks green, or so i thought two minutes ago; what about tuna salad, it would be horrible if it looked green, and most probably stinky too.

it used to be strange to me, like something i didn't want to have, i didn't even want to know about it. but everyone gets old, that's what life is; growing up and getting old.

sill i wonder why this guy takes his breakfast to the desk, and worst even, i'm taking after lunch to the desk now. i guess it's not to bad since it's only salad. bullshit, i know it's bad, next time i will take my time... i'll take it to the table where it is supposed to find it's end. i have time enough.

these days i can't even imagine a day without it, without olive oil and tomatoes. man i wish i was beautiful.

racing

the road is almost unnoticeable now. i seem to be looking at the gauges but i'm not. i'm always paying attention to you even when i'm ignoring you.

voices go around the yard, the wind and the stock market, but i'm trying to get the taste of out of the maté but it's too bitter. the earphones stayed in the travel bag. are this my new shoes?

i happen to have plans for the next days, and i'm still thinking she's gonna back down, she's not gonna stay. and i have to get to the meeting, see the non-matching numbers that can't be used just to go back.

the picture looks the same as it looked 7 hours ago, yet i manage to advance.

if i only had waited, if i only had been patient. need to call, need to see, need to calm down and get some chocolate. not sure if the sunshine is for real or is it like at the campsite, just a nice picture. need to get gasoline anyways. and i still recall to smile every once in a while.

her figure was not expected this time around, but she seems to be waiting for me. hello, hello. and my demons pay their tricks and go so indifferent so cold. i have to ask her, i'm gonna ask her and then she's gone. but why was she smiling at me then she just left?

tomorrow, tonight, need gasoline, and need some paper but it's late or maybe not. the clock walks backwards for a minute and then it runs away and it's already midnight and i still forgot the reason i got my plastic bags. just look at her, she's gorgeous. tomorrow, green or chai? e-mail or phone. time's up.

rushing

Looks like another chilly morning when I step off the door and walk to the car, started my motor up and let it warm for a couple minutes. I'm still on time, wind is not blowing and the mood shine's gorgeous.

Am I too old to hurry? Everybody seems to be pretty eager. Got through the first traffic light no problem, nothing fancy, nothing quick, nothing different... or not too much anyways.

My brain is trying to tell me I need to remember what I was thinking last night with the tea. Then I recall my thoughts, and start to rush between my ears and my nose, but in the end, there are 20 miles between my eyes and the desktop.

I stop and stare, and she is beautiful. Not full or white but so beautiful. Then my thoughts go back to the calm and cold atmosphere out of my skin, and my fingers hurt 'cause it's so cold.

Back in the mirrors I can's see faces or feeling, it's only lights and chrome, but I can tell this one is trying to pass on the right. That's how the brave do, on the right, get the intimidation going. But it doesn't make any sense to me. Yet they are racing nonsense like there's a trophy when they're crossing the line. Where's the line that I can't see it?

I keep backing down while the sportsmen pass me on the right, one after the other. I still have some more way to go. I'm still not sure bout the destination but it's not close by yet.

Months, days and hours ago I was told the right way to set up the mirrors, and I still don't know why this is not public knowledge, it may be good for the insurance companies but who cares, it's only steel, rubber and glass.

She said: "think about the one who inspires you", and twenty minutes from now it became an answer in the void. Into a cosmic black. Like a drop of water in the middle of the rain. And I still wonder why they keep racing.

I look ahead. I follow the rules. But he didn't set the mirrors like I did. He didn't look ahead too. So I had to back off, back down and hit the brake. But other things get higher priority as I eye balled my gauges, my mirrors, and the back of my head, all the way down to the walls of my lungs. Cause everything causes a chemical reaction in the end.

And we still think the world is turning around us. It is so important, that we can't stop, so important that everyone else should pay attention to what we are doing. So we keep going our own direction, rushing and running around, racing nonsense till the end. Did you have your happy ending?

sometimes i miss the old times, sometimes i miss walking around about anywhere my feet could get me. through the sand, through the mud, concrete or grass. this year through snow.

sometimes i just cant get things done, and the walking should be left for another day.

the voice on the radio reminds me of me, and reminds me of you. and it can be sweet and sour and can be flavorless even when i feel the melody. sometimes my soul gets just cold and thoughtful.

when the days turn to be part of the cycle, of things in life.

windy and cold

stepped out the door to find myself into the wild as the wind blows harder and harder, taking things away and around.

the door handle gets frozen but i need to keep going, expecting nothing but another day holding the mouse, but i'm almost done and i show the others my work and they still like it.

i spent the day eating nuts, drinking coffee and tea wondering what's really right or wrong. but it's a quiet day for one reason or another, i'm not interested anyways.

i get there as i thought i was ready for anything, but i was not. i just asked about her and just learn that she's coming, and my mind start playing games again.

but i could finally hear her voice again, and i felt her arms around me, and my mind still pays tricks on me.

and outside it's still windy and cold so she runs to the safe, but i don't know, still not sure if she's calling or she's going to disappear once again.

hugs and kises

Uneventful week through an eventful mind.

Everything should be getting back to normal about now, though gazes engage and gazes avoid, like the first day at a new school.

I sit back in the bus seat watching the streets go by turning into highways, freeways, and clouds and trees, while the faces and the voices disappear into the fog, and I can't sleep.

I noticed something was wrong, but it was already too late. I still recall the day I saw his eyes open for the first time. I recall now, the day I saw his eyes fading away, leaving for good, leaving for ever, and I didn't cry. I held on to my tears inside my soul, like a needle pushing inside my heart.

I arrive at the port finally and sit again in yet another seat, and go trough, in the middle of cold questions, no feelings, no explanations, just let me go. Everyone has his own agenda. And then I sit again, in yet another seat.

But I can hear his little voice too, He doesn't say anything, but I hear. And I can see his big eyes staring at me, and he smiles and makes me smile. There's no need for a reason here. And He grabs my hand for a walk going around again and again, dancing every once in a while.

I'm not there yet when I'm already missing her voice, and I'm dying to hear her voice call my name. And it's all blurry, and there's no music playing, just another seat. And even if I don't want to think, I keep thinking. Hoping. Wanting.

The air outside gets colder an colder. For the fist time I want to get there soon, it may be that the last time I couldn't find a reason.

The guy comes to me and tells me about his problems, about he is not wanted, but he offers me his help. And he lets me know he is always watching; "Even when you don't see me... I'm still saying hi" ... and his eyes look like those eyes fading away, but somehow he's still breathing, still swallowing death.

And then a very simple idea turns into a chain of confusion. She hugs me and we were about to kiss. And she is still there, thinking of me in the night. But then I read a name, and nothing is the same, and I fly back to the idea, I go back to my old ways and think only about the one I use to care about just hours ago when I was between the clouds, and nothing is the same.

But I'm going to leave the doors open, and I'm going to risk a bit more this time. Yet I will go back tomorrow and sit in my chair half of the day. But this time I need to know. This time I'm not going to shut my voice up.

Yet I still miss her voice so bad.