24 hours day

here we are sneaking around like ghosts, under the bight pale neon light.

start of a brand new day, yet everything is the same.

life is cooling down now and the same picture comes to my mind all the time, yet tomorrow it's going to be a long cold day, longer than the old days, yet a 24 hours day.

riding far away.

the place where nothing happens

sitting under the cold of the electric lamp, today writing the story where nothing happens.

all the faces looking at me, kind and warm smiles passing by while i'm trying to forget about the duties of my life; duties i accepted reluctantly with open arms; duties that now stand on my way and i can't find an option for.

at some point of time, not too early, not too late, the words jump out of the screens and a certain gloom of expands over the aisles turning heads and turning voices around in anger and confusion when the clown strikes with his threatening crap and it only makes me laugh, but my hands are busy on a different issue.

just when i thought i was going to turn the corner and turn my way into a new horizon, all of a sudden i go around to the same place i started years ago, only this time i will embrace the contents of the wreck and hold on to them, i'm not going to run away, i will go down with it and make everything mine, because it is my life anyway, because i choose to have it this way. i will see her walking away, and i will let her go.

just speak your mind, let yourself run your mouth, it is all about it.

doesn't matter if you are full of shit, or if you found a fountain of profound intellectual inspiration, just run your mouth and let everybody know what's on your narrow head, even if we don't speak the same language i can still get the meaning of your bitching and that's all right, i have no problem with you, since you don't mean anything to me, just don't tell me about your guns.

so another day ends in under the cold of the electric lamp, in the place where nothing ever happens.

when I get old

...and one day i only stare at their little chubby faces and they make me smile.

things in life start sometimes fast and brutal, and some times soft and calm. many times the start is full of joy and cheering, and when the end comes it's so sad and dark, specially when it comes together with pain and suffering, and the things left behind are so tender, so alive.

the day goes long when the evening receives the moonshine, and our thoughts move along to the table celebrating rituals we never shared before, then opposite to day, the night goes short so soon followed by another frantic day jumping around, sweating and breathing heavily.

and in the beginning, and yet at the end we are by ourselves. and the things we feel nobody else does, and those moments are when we become our true selves. how i wish i could go back to the age or innocence, when i could fly in the wind between pyramids and talk about "when I get old".

time

and then there's no time.

went trough the beginning knowing the time was coming. And words came so hard so fast, just like the rain falling to my windshield.

think about my aches and pains, and remember those days in the wet hot night, under the lights at the park; and nothing matters, no one cares.

i wonder what is time for you know.

got to the resting time thinking, flying away, walking through the mountains of time among the memories, the smiles and burning socks, dirty plates in the sink and nothing seems to be important now, or then.

one voice far away spits the anger grown during the days of laughing and smoke... the other voice is not there, there's no voice, there's no time but a reminder.

and i call again, and one girl ignores, and the other girl plays; but i'm not into playing anyway, i want no games, 'm not a player.

in the dark i blow out and my eyes look around, and i feel so upset and then i think it doesn't really matter; it's just a moment in time, when for some time is money, for others there's no time.

go back to my own private self and i wonder how close was i that day; and i breath deep and i know i was not that close, not for a long time. but how it is to have it inside, how is it to know there's no chance, there's no time. how is it to know it... but there's no voice on the line, no answer.

i try to forget about it, i try to use the concepts and ideas, not the feelings and when i think i'm succeeding i fall again, and i worry about it. i feel, and i fall.

you are leaving us my friend, and take part of us with you, but you will always be part of our lives too... until there's no more time.

blackout

I want to face all the challenges of life, without fear. And my head feels like blowing up and my sight gets blurry at times, and reminds me how fragile we are. Reminds me everything will come to an end one way or another. But the day I worry about it, it's gone.

I listened to the voice from the other side and decided not to grieve anymore. Because I have no time for this, even when I have all the time to waste my time. And I didn't see her eyes, and I didn't hear her voice.

Always struggled to open up, and today I struggle to feel. And what would make me smile, just keeps me wondering while I stare at the photographs. Up until I stare at that little chubby face again and that smile finally gets me.

Then I feel how my nose gets colder and got back to the chill of last night when I saw her eyes again. When I fell for a dream again. But the night is still young and there's no need to rush.

And it's always good to get out from time to time and spend in different ways and not just pay bills. The balls roll, the guitars play and the tires squeal, setting up for a new day under the sun, under the stars above, up there in the sky.

I keep going until my body begs for some rest; eyes begging for a needed blackout. I'll give them what they need.

esta noche

...y paso una vez mas por la sombra viendo mi sangre correr lentamente. Y el viento mojado roza mis labios y juega con mis pestañas.

Y mis recuerdos vuelven al momento en que no te dije adios.

Keep smiling

"Isn't it amazing?, its the same sea and in the other side there's Europe" she said, standing on the shore bare feet.

Have been inside the capsule for so long, just staying away from the parts of the world I've never been before. I miss the mountain and I miss the sea. Not for so long I will.

I see the same faces, and new ones, and the voices sound familiar but distant still. It's a quiet place during the dark hours, but not this time. Sun sets and the engines are still running so fast, so hot. And the smoke climbs out of the grill and we have a good time, good meat and good loud chat under the tree, with the guys racing around for hours and hours.

Found myself into a hot room, surrounded by strangers, just like every other time of the year when I go trough the border lines and the security check points and nobody speaks my language, and I'm asked again if I'm "brasileiro". Like flags and nations make sense to me.

Cast my eyes to the sky and I see her so gorgeous, staring at me, so bright and clear I almost forget to watch the road, but I make it home across the railroads and into the woods. Should I call this home?

It is good to take a different road every once in a while, I just hope the next time I'll keep going. Finally got the message but it's too late now, this is a story we wouldn't share, but it doesn't matter. It never matters really if you think about it. She still smiles at me, and struggles to get what I'm trying to say when I'm short of breath.

Now my head pays me tricks and I get confused about what I feel, and when I feel it, and now another one touches my bones but I'm not sure, I close my eyes when all my ideas disappear. She used to be the apple of my eye. Now my eyes are open shout and my heart belongs nowhere.

So many thins left unspoken. But I still enjoy all those wonderful curries, I could do it every other day. And like my drinks warm too. Pleasures from distant places, so close and yet so far.

I see myself as a paradox trying to understand and know the reasons why, when I'm convinced that not everything needs to be understood. Then I lay back and let it flow. Then I turn around and start searching for some reason why.

Today the sky gives me water, and I can't see the moon. What I can see is my mind drifting away from my butt as I seat tall down on the floor, but it still hurts; my body is not there yet, in the place where I want it to be, even when I know there is not such place, there is no body... nobody.

It's funny how some gazes look for me, while others try to avoid. And it's funny how thing you thought are now opposed. I though I knew, now I know the more I see the less I know, and the more I hear the more I learn. Learning how to unlearn. And I'm getting small.

"Keep smiling, and you'll keep the rest of us confused" I was told. Maybe there's the reason for my smile. It's enough of a reason from me and I can't find a reason not to do it. I'll keep on smiling.

between my forehead and my chest

it was a wet gray day when i hydroplaned my way to get yet another big piece of forged steel, when trying to turn back home it stop spinning at all. just weeks from starting the autocross season. and it was just sitting there looking so good, and being so dead.

tried some maneuvers, made some calls, got it here then got it there in the fog, till I made some more calls, spent some more money and drive into the warm spring time night setting for the start of the works.

i wonder what's the name of the game, when no game is to be played, when i just need to pull the trigger but have no bullet. this night she shines so bright, and to see her smile makes me so happy, and her perfect eyes staring at me makes the dark cold night feel so sweet. and i talk and say a lot of words, but the ones that i need to say are not coming any time. i look back and she's gone from my sight, but she stays all the time somewhere between my forehead and my chest.

finally after tons of sweat and all kinds of grease and dust, it still sits there looking so pretty, being not so dead this time but almost useless it breaks my spirit at times every other night. and i still travel the miles to get to that hole, and do the autopsy, just to clear all suspicion and assess the total damage inside of the broken heart. and i know it's going to take some time, and it's going to break my wallet too, but i'll get something out of this that's for sure.

i still wonder what's this feeling, what are these thoughts rolling round my head day and night. i still wonder what she feels, what she thinks. and i look down to the desk and a piece of paper is waiting for me, so she goes back to that space somewhere between my forehead and my chest, into the background, while i go back to the place where feelings don't matter.

then the night turns into another day without getting the news i've being expecting all this time, and somehow i go back to an uncomfortable position where i can only stare that one side of life. then when she talks about her she gets so emotional, and i want to give her my arms but i freeze up and just hold my emotions again, trapped inside my door.

feeling shouldn't matter everywhere, specially here in this space between my forehead and my chest. would i be able to smile still?

October welcomes the cold

there are things that don't need to make sense; just noticed that i stare at the right side of the face in front of me as we talk.

i keep getting to the same chair every morning, but lately i feel on top of it, in front of the screen, and i flow through the minutes as I hear my name every other time. nothing bothers me from the beginning to the end. just let go.

as the days go by, it's clear i'm obsessed with her figure walking in the clouds towards the moon, across the fantasy, and her name written in every wall in of my mind.

in the middle i drive to the garage and talk the talker, and round around to set the banks, and back to the talking for a while, as i get more hungry with every word he speaks. and feel i'm far away once again, but it doesn't bother.

get the jitters as i run out of coffee, when i forget about it and look at the flower in her hair, and doesn't make any sense again as two continents collide into the space between her head and the ceiling.

and once again i walk in the soft cold breeze that want to get my eyes shut and take me so far away back when i were boots and long hair, and i'd love to stay like this for today, when nothing bothers, when i'm getting cold once again. waiting for my tea.

I sat under the shade of a shadow, under the cloudy sky watching people and wheels go by. Slipping to the those rainy days sitting on the sidewalk dreaming of structure and control.

The man on tv said it right, or the person who wrote it anyway, "we are not that different as a flock of birds". There is a collective mind somewhere in the wind.

This morning moving back to work, there is darkness and artificial lights pointing in two directions only. I loose grip and start slipping the way I don't want to, but the computer really has the control, so I keep going straight in the direction to the office.

Memories of the night I use to dream about being part of the machinery, spinning at the right speed in the correct direction, at the precise moment. And the flock moving with the ring of a bell. Everything under control.

And it gets so difficult to figure out the gray car, as difficult as it is to figure out her blue eyes. It takes a lot more effort, and some days I don't want to work that hard. I'm just a simple man, with a simple name.

Walk back to earth into the air conditioned building and sit still, and sing along, and wait to talk to the boss and then get yet a new surprise. I need to wait and keep singing along. But tomorrow sill be a quiet day, and I'll drive in the rain one more.

Need to keep on searching, or just let go with the flow. And all I know is I'll soon be back in the forest, with the smell of oil and the sweetness of the moonshine.

switch

the night comes quiet and smooth over my shoulders, heavy and gently. As the words hit gently deep inside my heart, smoothly coated with steel.

i decided to let go, to give up once and for all... and this is what I've got. A sweet layer of truth and cold breeze over my eyes.

the clouds move in shapes I've seen before. There are just very few thins I've never seen. I've never seen eyes staring at me, the way I stare at them. And I get ready to change; get ready to switch, as I'm sick of getting every day to the very same scenario, to the same old bitching every morning.

it's getting cold soon and I'm thinking of the dark black sky over the race track staring smoothly over me. I'm ready to get away. Away from me for three days and two nights just for the sake of life, so I can breath again.

just when I decided to give up all the way. There's nothing to go for, there are no sky to dream upon. So I'll just ride on on my own, as I did all of this time. And one day I will dream on.

This feeling inside

An unexpected call in the phone, after having my mind fixated with the same picture all day. She just asked about me, after a long time. Then when we get face to face she just fades away. It's like the wireless world is not willing to happen so far.

The next phone call goes deeper to the past more than my new life far away and now I realize how those days are gone, a long way gone.

Get out and have a cigarette, or make it three, I'm just second hand smoking anyway. Everything may change. For the better? I don't know. Out of the wire world it gets so confusing when voices and faces don't connect with the ideas in my head, since I'm giving up to emotion.

I still stay outside trying to think when all I do is feel, then trying to feel the way to go further up in life. Try to feel my own life, but it gets hard this day that I learned how an old friend hangs to life with all the strength he has left.

To think about the aches and pains going through my body, knowing the father of a baby boy can't even sit on his own. And the calmness in his voice. While others still try to kill themselves swallowing pills.

My eyes go far long away into the sky, casting my glance over the clouds head to one office and then another one, to meet the talker in the crossroads, get a light, and go back to the routine. Back inside under the roof in silence, and I think about him, and I thing about her.

Just waiting for another loud cloudy day around the steel, rubber and gasoline. To have that jolly part of life to give me the calmness to feel. This feeling inside.

...about the music

Shifting up, shifting down. The basics go down to weight management, still everybody are so eager to try the cool stuff, "heel and toe", loose the rear end... the four wheel drift.

Can you do it in an automatic? ...maybe if you really know how to manage the weight and your transmission. But she thought I drove an automatic.

Went out to get something to eat with a baby's grandpa' and talk about houses, paint and tile, gardens and all the good things in life. Then I seem not to be playing by the rules, not the American way.

At times I still wonder what's the American dream. Then I think about the music, and how is it possible that she likes Maná; while I sing the song in my head, and I don't want to go home. "Into the light of the dark black night".

"Because the night belongs to lovers"

...a simple quiestion, for a simple person...

One day I woke up and I didn't want to go. Got there late and no one noticed it, it doesn't really matter. When I look up to the sky it's still beautiful.

The next day I made up my mind and left early like I still enjoy driving that way. And there's always the question: "what keeps you here?", but the answer is ever more difficult to find. I do know I don't want to go back.

Familiar happy faces make my day late under the high ceiling and one of them came with a surprise to me, and she is so nice and sweet. And she looks like a princess from a world overseas up high in the mountains.

Back again in the middle of the mixture the most unlikely figure shows up with a simple question, for a simple person, and there it is again. Just when the face began to disappear whit the days gone; her name comes straight to the front of my eyes, and sticks to the front of my thoughts, and I have this uncertainty again deep inside my chest. While I hear the songs without her name, but with her eyes all over the place.

Lift the door to grab the cup, and fix my tea staring at the red apple, thinking about the green apple and letting go the idea of her, since she disappears with the morning wind, or the night breeze anyways.

All seems so confusing, and people get so complicated, but in the end I cast my gaze into the dark cool night and the moon shines red, and I fall in love again, but my wallet is empty. I breath back deep inside and I don't care for some minutes and I live again.

Tomorrow will be...

Tomorrow we'll see...

Tonight I'll dream, 'bout the apple of my eye.

thoughts

At times I have thoughts, and sometimes I get ideas and they just run away in less than a second, and they are gone forever. Sometimes they come back after a while, but that doesn't happen that often.

This long weekend became too short all of a sudden and I'm here trying to get some of my thoughts back to my mind, so I can process them and put them in writing but that's just not going to happen today.

heart of glass

Words don't come easy today.

But I guess my eyes talk too much.

And I thing that she knows.

And I need to have some sleep, and try not to dream about her.

one more day goes by

Oneself goes trough life jumping over obstacles, running downhill or climbing uphill, speeding up, and slowing down.

One more day goes by and reminds me of the past long time gone. Something got erased from my memory, like broken floppy discs. And the words try to remind me of them but they are no longer here.

I sate at the big hole and gets me back to the time it happened and that I remember, because I can see it. And all those times I fell, and all the tears I cried.

There has times when I seem to lose hope, when I try to look forward and I see nothing to keep fighting for; then I think there most be a reason.

And it gets me thinking, how can anybody mess up a family for substances alien to reason. When you already have some to fight for, how can you forget about it, how can an illusion make you give up the good things in life.

So I still get up and run, and enjoy my hollow pleasure from the media dreaming of places far away and high speed machines flying trough time telling stories some will write in books and try to live for ever.

Walk to the site faking my wishes of seeing that someone I saw last night in my dreams, but I can't fool myself, and I feel so insecure once again, and I hesitate to let go, but I love her laughter, and the way she talks.

I feel so week but I have to stand tall, and think of the magic man, and thing of the distance. But all that I really need is a real smoothie, this one was awful... as one more day goes by.

like a stone

energy and matter play at different ways depending on the inputs: speed, temperature, time.

i believe we are still animals, and being animals that means we are living organisms; in other words, we are matter. as matter we are still able to stretch, bend, freeze, crack and all the other possibilities. all depends on the input.

matter is energy.

live gives us its energy in so many ways, and some times those ways get a little twisted, sudden not smooth. and when energy moves violently or concentrates in a single point things usually transform; sometimes they break.

applying punctual force to a surface can defeat its surface tension. dad likes to eat pecans from the trees, so we brings the nut cracker and gets the nut out of the shell. if you try to crack a coconut you will need to get another tool.

these last two weeks have been challenging somehow and got me thinking i'm more like a stone. a friend told me once my structures is like it, ready to take the hits and stand to them. but today i think i'm more like a rubber ball, it is easier to break the stone's surface by hitting over and over again. the rubber is not going to break.

the clown can go ahead and try to bring me down but he's not getting that from me. i will come back and do things right, and thinks of how to manage the issue, and not to panic and yell like a bitch at the slightest sign of pressure.

but for now, what i need is to hold on to... oh, no... i forgot my tea.

...on the fast lane

I used to take the left lane and look back in my mirrors scanning for cops. The best way to stay out of trouble, is to stick to the rules. It's easy.

When Monday was pretty quiet, all of a sudden the middle of Wednesday morning turns loud and stresses out everyone but me. I still need to fix me a cup of tea.

Some people think and some just react, those who are reactive use to get me upset but these days I have more important things to care about. Still those of them whom react, will never get my respect. And it only gets worst when this one decides to threaten me. An idiot is an idiot everywhere in the world, in every language.

Now those more important things come back to me and push me out of the comfort zone. It's is like every plan I had at the beginning of the year will have to wait until everybody else problems are solved.

I'm still following the rules as close as I can, and I look back at the rear view mirror and the blue lights are closing in too quickly driving on the fast lane. They go away after someone else. There is no sound, there is no struggle and I get back to this monitor getting ready to fix me a new cup of tea tomorrow sometime in the morning. And I still have to pay all the bills.

falling

share some thoughts under the moon light, and just a couple of words stay in my mind all week long. just two simple words that sounded so sweet, so sweet in her voice.

all week long hearing her name in every song, from every screen on every street. and I found myself calling her name and after the sun hides I see her face, and she is so sweet.

and I finally realize I may be falling, falling again, after all that pain, and somehow I don't mind, but I still remain hesitant, still afraid of falling

keep on turning

Look around and see the faces I didn't see for more than a couple of years. The neighbor is today at my former location south of the border and my manager is in the building but I can't see him.

Come back home and there are no news, but when I asked later the surprise shakes me hard. I never expected this. As an old man says, "it just keeps getting better"; but I'm just looking forward to get my next pay check, that's all I want to know but my head keeps on turning somewhere else.

I've been called stupid and I've been called Carlos; maybe stupid fits better. While I remember the couple of times I've been so close to death, and all I want to think of is dark chocolate, I don't care about the pay check anymore.

Funny thing is I never had money, and my life was so easy. Now I have all these bills to pay and they get me scared. But that's not what steals my sleep at night: it is her voice speaking my language.

voices of the night

Back home after seeing some unleashed excess on the dance floor. The way back is not supposed to be the best one anyway, and the voices of the night tell me how wrong I've being all this time, but I don't want to listen.

How I wish we could be innocent as child again; bring back those days when rules are clear and no mind or word games are played. What are we hiding from anyway?

Sometimes time runs out of my hand, and sometimes I don't care.

I'm not driving, so I'll tell you where to turn, and you will take me there. Who is in control now? Control over what? Yesterday I wanted to know that was the name of the game. Today I don't care, I just want to have fun, like Cindy Lauper and her girls, even when I have no idea how they look like.

the long narrow isle

there he goes, jumping and stumbling all over the place searching for someone to point his finger to

won't you grow up? you can always think but you chose panic mode, that's the just the way you are. won't you dare to listen?

i go down the long narrow isle front up high, because i know you don't know what you should know, and you don't even care

i saw the blue and green jolly happy words that warm up my heart and i smile, i saw those little baby eyes and made me smile again. no panic mode for me, i have better things to do

like have some sleep 'cause tomorrow you will be jumping around again, Haha! just don't set me up

into the night

got up early into the night, nothing is going on outside, it's just rolling round in my head.

the morning goes for a long time and i don't know how many bills i need to pay, but it tighter every time.

the job is almost done and i'm somehow restless; want more but don't know what... time?

now the night runs long and i need to find some sleep to get even when my eyes grow heavy.

it's not such a big deal, it's just ... a dream.

no more tears

Enough of the cryptic writings.

Thins are supposed to be simple.... well, things in life are supposed to be simple. Not, but you know what I mean.

Truth is that most of us have the tendency to follow into a routine. One friend told to me: "Now you need to buy a house so you can integrate to the conversation and talk about land mowers." Yeah right.

So I stepped out the door earlier than usual and got to the food store and got a couple of things, I've never been a grill guy really, but I need to get integrated to the conversation somehow to start the weekend like a just another regular guy. And beers should fit into it but they didn't. Awkward for a while but I drunk them at the end.

Then moved to a more "regular" set but we are aliens anyway, so couldn't be that regular, whatever, it was a good time out in the summer night chilling out.

Next day fighting mosquitoes and flies all day round, getting parts in and out, making noise and drinking any kind or beverage but alcohol, sweating like crazy again. Getting nothing done in the end.

The thing is, there was some kind of plan but never got to work really, all times got mixed up, people and places moved in unexpected ways when I was not in the mood for people for some reason I'm not aware of. And the night ended running in the dark to the emergency room for nothing, getting late everywhere.

I still don't know why I'm writing this, its just too boring.

10 minutes later

Not a routine day, yet. Got out, wake up, get there.

Silence gets loud and when everybody is talking lights go out leaving my gaze in the darkness as words swing around to get the chance to say hi to so many I don't usually do.

Power out send me back the way I came and 10 minutes later it resumes back while I'm already long on the road.

The day comes in from different directions and I do things I would usually do at another time by the sunlight, but I'm cool.

Go back at the scheduled time and they start giving me hell not because I was not there, but for coming back with a little suitcase, "my purse" they said. And I'm still cool as the rest of the journey runs as it use to do, not so cool for the guy in the corner... not that corner.

So what am I supposed to do when the usual setting changes, and I have no keys; to overheat again? no, I'm not going there for a second time.

It's good to have plans for a change.

some days it rains

some days just go by. sun rises, sun sets...

some days live goes frugal trying to get the less energy spent. don't waste my time.

cast a glaze upon the wall, and it's empty.

some days it rains.

never forget key information

When the mirror rooms turns into the dark room things get dizzy and I can see her eyes. Love those eyes. And my mind submerges deep into a fuzzy dream, and I can see her eyes.

The air around feels so dense today, it's not the same that it was yesterday. It's not the air from the night. It's gray and its not easy to open my eyes, but the day walks fast with cars rolling up and down. Shopping.

Spaces open and close, but I keep forgetting the keys, which gets me to the next place, and the next after that.

The sky opens too and the forest surrounds my breath when I need to pull, just because I forgot an important key. The sky closes to my sight in plain sun shine when the blood struggles to go around once more. Legs hesitate, lungs try to collapse until I find the hose, life comes back trough my mouth and all I want to do is breathe.

The road turns into a save heaven after a couple of turns and I can't even speak, but I could drive back, so slow, so scared until the light shines brighter under the cloudy sky that makes me feel so hungry, then the turns get faster and faster.

So close and so far, nobody would know when the world turns at different pace for moments for different persons. Got to the past and to the future about 20 minutes in the distance and my pants are falling down.

10 minutes turn into an hour and I finally get to eat, and no one would know, but all the room smells to salmon for the night and the fridge looks strangely full and I don't know where she is.

I think I deserve some green chilaquiles next day in life.

one of those days

Felt under control, and failed.

Got upset, and lost.

Stand so close, and faltered.

Passed the window and everything looks so different, so real.

Should probably pull back and relax, leave the thinking for calm wind times. And I thought that I was strong.

Tomorrow I'll be back on track, I can see clearer now that the cloud gave place for the moonshine.

Sweet dreams.

good morning

...how y'all doing today? nice, nice.

Something like that goes the sound of the morning around 7 am then all faces turn to the monitors again, like we are working so hard. Around 40 minutes later breakfast J shows up and get's the early meal. Wonder why not taking his time to do so in the company of his family, not that I car too much.

Terrorists in the news get us back to the witch hunt, stereotyping and amazement of people finding out that "one of them is part of the group". And the congress man ask, how can this be happening right here. Well, go to your closest pawn shop and you will see. I've heard shooting every weekend for four consecutive weeks now. Welcome to gun nation.

Two seats from mine, gun show talks and talks about barrels and stuff, ammo and money, it's all so beautiful, so many options, so many places to go and feel the liberating sound and kick of a hand gun, or a shotgun, or a semiautomatic. While the voice keeps drilling deep into your hears, you better get you an i-pod.

Anyway, after three weeks away, it's time to give the old guy a hug and have some fun before things get serious. Just take it easy, there's some more time to spend.

what are your expectations?

Walk back to reality when nobody seems to care. Could get there with my eyes shout easy now, and it does not take too long.

Back in that room again, green tea, in the company of no one, talking business.

Seek into my hours and found the reflection of hidden lost dreams from the near future, when the big guy tries to find the solution to no problem, running round and round, giving directions to a broken wheel.

The bright light turns gray in the way to the bones, while I look around thinking of goals that need to wait for more days than nights to come. And sing to the voice of Janet. Como luna menguante.

Found a new light in the dark yellow room, found myself in yet a new world, long unknown for me when it was just in front of my eyes. But the rain was not here tonight.

Nothing left to write.

the color of the night

Do we spend time? do we spend energy?

Some spend their weekends mowing, others chilling out at the swimming pool.

Two days sweating outside, around 90 degrees among the sound of kids play, seniors walking and rolling around, some bitching and the wrenches turning bolts and nuts.

Under the metal there's dust and oil, ants underneath and spiders over. Some weed looking for fresh air and the rays of the sun and rock breaking my back; there's no blood this time but I still get the sanding feeling or the dirt when I drink from my bottle, and I know what it is in this one.

Wheel go by and there's something in the air, waiting.

Soon the light runs out and right when the routine is ready to strike back, something urgent comes and we get to the road a bit far away, in a place of the world I never was before. There's people on the street, there are police cars lurking, and a very quiet atmosphere even when there's no trust, and no respect.

Now time to go back, and the ride turns into drive and I'm there pushing to only two pedals, and moving a machine 4 times bigger than I use to move, trough the night, trough a lonely road, when all of a sudden two standing figures show up in the middle of the road, in the middle of nowhere... and in the middle of the night.

Tension keeps building up and I don't like it, but I'm there in the dirt, sweating turning wrenches, pouring substances into iron and aluminum when human nature makes it's presence and all gets loud, there's anger and confusion, frustration and noise, all part of human nature.

As the night falls again, the sweat stops but it's time to go down in the dirt, lay over the oily rocks that want to break my spirit, and the fire goes on, all the way, everywhere, and there's shouting and bitching, and now I can't take it anymore.

Grab my wheel, turn my lights on and head west. At the sound of my lonely engine everything seems from a different perspective, and the night turns redish warm and soft, and it takes me to me, inside where no one has ever really been. And I smile and think of a name.

all four tires

in high performance driving they call this move a "four wheel drift", and it's very likely that you'll get sound out of it. Rain changes everything. Well, not really, but it's much more gentle with the rubber, much more easy to loose control what makes it unsafe.

things get a different output when you are driving back from the restaurant when the lunch break gets to the end, and the guy who's always talking how crazy he is when driving freaks out completely when the tires begin to scream.

which brings me to the perspective things can get to depending on: the person, the time, light, wind, water or whatever, the number or permutations tends to infinite. Like more than a year ago when I was a different being somehow, and tried from a very weak approach to get to... just to say "hi".

walking out, got my tires drifting out of the old ways. It's still scary sometimes, to hear the subtle voice of the rubber against the pavement, and the feel of all your weight moving at the command of your foot; looking at the faces around, letting go and grabbing the leash of the situation at the same time.

get to work in a diverse environment makes thing interesting, and helps you get to know and learn if your mind is open enough, otherwise it only makes things worst, and also provides comedians a good source for stupid jokes, straight up.

all depending of who she really is, and what she really means in your live. Depending of where are you standing, if there's air condition running or you are outside sweating under the summer sky in the middle of the forest or right by the shore.

and at the end of the day he keeps on talking how vulnerable you can feel seating in the passenger side while the car sweeps around the curve when the tires scream and the engine roars. And you come to meet a friend, then head back to your own place which all of a sudden you notice needs a little bit of attention too.

i better come up with a plan for tomorrow, poor man's style.

remember the time

I was forcing myself to make this impressive.

But we are all humans, we are still animals. And we all make mistakes. I've just been making too many lately.

And remember that time when I fell and nobody was there to pick me up. I stood up and all the important ones where there for me. Yet some days I still stand up and walk alone.

Some times I just stare at the glass and don't know what to do. At times it's clear and others it's faded, as I try to find the spirit.

I saw the face behind the glass. I saw my dream passing trough fast and I wonder...

feels like dog eat dog

What is it called when you have a problem and someone else makes sure everyone but you notices you are in deep crap? I don't think that's even civilized but it happens anyhow.

But the world is larger than that, and when the windows seem to be closing down somebody comes asking for advice for the real life.

Everybody's gonna get what they need and we will go back home to contemplate the falling rain... or watch TV... or write words on the screen.

if only... if only...

signs and symols

Some well known, some very explicit (stop) but yet some so subtle. And some misunderstood.

Get there early just to find a failure in the system, sit in front of the void waiting for the key master. Attend the meeting where the words try to warn me about things to come, but i'm so sleepy.

Take a cup and ease the craves for some morning sugar and then things appear to come back to normal and it only releases hell. A one week job turns into a two and a half weeks nightmare. You better run for cover.

Then finally some time to relax, she looks so good and then I realize the ring in her hand. Turn around and go home, that's the way to go this day.

the world i know

It was a couple of weeks ago when talking and listening I noticed we were jumping between so different worlds.

I just walk out my door and two worlds get together, not colliding but anyway. We are all under the same sky, even across the ocean. As that girl with the blue eyes told me at shore: "it's amazing these are the same waters they had to come across to get here so many year ago, and we are standing here on vacation"

I walked across one more gate to a different universe I got before and nothing was the same, even internally I was walking into a strange dimension within myself. So strange I forgot to get me something to drink, and damn it's hot out there.

what's it the bottle?

Fish.

That's what she said. So I had fish and now i'm hungry.

Went into the cyberspace again to try to find what people can't tell me, maybe I was not asking the right people. And my monitor tells me the market is across the street... I should had known.

No schedule and no hurry, my mind sets there again, in the blank canvas of time, and I can see how wrong I was, while my neck keeps popping; need to take a break and I wonder what's really in the bottle? I may need to turn off the TV.

30 minutes to midnight

Things have been slow for 30 year, and all of a sudden I noticed there's more out there. Game, sport, culture and the opposite too. I've been around very optimistic, and pretty lonely too.

Tonight I talk to a new person in my life. Well, she's not really in my life but the moment will remain in it. And while talking I just ran out of words, like many other times, ended the conversation and walked away.

Met someone who has been for a short time in my life and chat for some minutes, and then a big guy shows up and take his cloths off... except for the thong. Awkward? Yes, just a bit, in the end you see those guys on the cover of Flex Magazine and stuff like that. And then it's time to go home.

In this "new" world you can "see" your friends without actually seeing them. So I talked to a friend about this new things in my life and got some advice when I noticed it's already 30 minutes to midnight and tomorrow a long day awaits for me at work, surrounded by people talking about guns, golf, fishing and finding a place to go and get a cheeseburger.