the serach

the first time i was labeled as a smart-ass by those around me i was shocked, when i never saw myself that way

we are all seekers though we may not realize what we are looking for. so easy to get caught in the vices of society and civilization

why do we need to be right all the time and how easy is to shape people's minds and convictions

this is the time of the year when i look at flowers and trees in the gardens around an i too desire to have one of my own. i too am part of civilization and society

this is only my interpretation of my reasons and the search of a way where i belong

dicen de la muerte

cuando sucede todo el mundo pregunta, todos quieren saber, volver al pasado como intentando resolver cuando no hay nada que resolver

 

y sucede en cualquier momento, y sucede todo el tiempo

 

uno puede cruzar la puerta y no regresar, o simplemente estar y sentir y en el proximo instate ya no.

 

algunos tienen dias o meses para prepararlo, otros llegan a un punto y se sostienen de algun modo respirando, otros tienen un momento para ver todo pasar y en un instante se van.

 

es solo un vaso, un contenedor, la materia que rodea al alma, y toda materia se acaba, todo lo material pasa y se transforma en una manera u otra, y aun asi nos detenemos a llorar

 

no hay nada que aprender ni nada que olividar, nos va a pasar a todos, y el sentir miedo no va a cambiar el final, solo te hace mas dificil el trayecto

so they call it tax day

traffic is low, the road is not as busy and the parking lot at work is almost empty. discounts at fast food places for salty junk and almost silence at the office space, but later most will be talking about it.

 

it is somehow curious there are still things i did not notice after 6 years, or maybe i noticed the first year and then forgot about them. but the weather is warm and gasoline went down a few cents.

 

last night i decided to have a week without the influence of music on my own, to let the sounds of my world get in and create my own state of mind. i keep thinking about her on the pay day and still touch her in my dreams wondering how she could be during the tax day.

 

and maybe this is because i can blame it all on her, since i gave her it all. and thinking it was only just a game.

 

i did my taxes early so this is not a holiday; i still need to find my holiday and i think it should come soon though i have to figure out what it is what i want to look at in the sky but the answer will come, as anything does.

attire

and one day she dressed up like a doll, a fun doll. i guess i did not see what i needed to see because i was in the state of mind most every one else was. not the right place to be, not the right place.

 

last night i faced a similar scene just this time i found out i had different expectations. painted her in my mind as a sweet classy young woman and seeing her dressed up like a fun doll, it just made me wonder where was i before, and where am i these days.

 

but the environment outside of my involvement felt so densly tense it was almost difficult to breathe, and this supid mustache just bothers me, though i am going to keep it another couple weeks, even when i still don't know why i do it. still it was interesting the to find a way to step out of that state of mind. stupid if i think i was not in te conversation anyway.

 

though a frendly smile can change thigs in just an instant of a moment and i may consider Lennon's advice and jut give love a chance

spring

renewal, rebirth... all we get from the media.  the values of property...  to posses

 

and honoring the values of property is how much move into some kind of self destructive process by desire. want more valuables, more things but then if we can not get things we may focus on getting attributes, getting the attention

 

sometime earlier i was also told that is another way to steal, looking for, asking and getting the attention from people and sources we dont really need to. and so she stole my time, she stole my breathe and life

 

and anytime anywhere the answer is always the same, it is always in the same place. the only true lies within

 

so stepping within i found the lies i told myself and how she used them against me. or was it me? did i use my own lies to fool me around?

 

then when i look up i can see the part of myself that i am allowed to see, and i get the part of the turth that i can get and i can come back to myself. "walking like a one man army" and i can see i did no wrong, i made no difference, even though i still think of her i know she was never here, she was never truth

 

in the spring time of the year we fall under the promises of the big screen and pretend we are all the same, we are all in the nest like ants ant today is time to reproduce and live on, when it is always time to live on. we are far from the beginning now, there is no turning back

 

this morning i renew, this day i am born, this moment i choose. this moment i spring out